Monday, May 17, 2010

I miss me.

It's been almost four years since our lives forever changed. And I can't help but to reflect on how different things were four years ago today.

I feel like I was an entirely different person. I was optimistic, I was carefree(hindsight), I was naive, I was hopeful, I was joyous, I was elated, I was YOUNG. I knew almost next to nada about how sick babies could be(hindsight again). I especialy knew nothing about CHD. Not to be a total wet towel, but most days when I wake up not many of those descriptions match my mood or thoughts.

I do not think I am depressed, at all. And that Jen you see or hear that is ALWAYS putting a spin on the negative and trying her darndest to turn it into a beautiful picture isn't faking it. It just takes more work nowadays. Sometimes a LOT more work. And I think I am just exhausting myself more than anything. But I don't know how to slow down and just truly relax like I used to. How can you when you are constantly trying to remember appointments, medicines, helping others understand what your daughter is saying, explaining this and that, am I spending enough quality time with each child, am I making sure my marriage is happy, is Ava eating enough/gaining enough weight, etc etc ETC.

Hmm, a work in progress, for sure!


Kerry Tylenda-Emmons said...

I so know what you mean. Dan and I talk about how we must have aged 10 yrs since Ruby was born. I hope you are able to relax more and more as Ava gets bigger. Just remember that although you are a different person you've also grown in your abilty to love, to be patient, and in strength. I know that any of us would trade those character traits for our kids to be healthy, but it's a comfort to me to know I have changed in some positive ways....and I'm sure you have too. Good luck Mama, you'll get some rest someday!

Stefenie said...

I know what you mean. I at times wonder what happened to me. Where did "I" go? So much has changed for all of us on this journey and we are exhausted. We spend 99.9% of our time taking care of everyone other than ourselves. It is hard.....each day is hard.

However even on those exhausting days I can look at Logan and know I am exactly where I was meant to be. Someday there will be more time for me and I am realizing every day that I am OK with that.


Megan Squires said...

I was just thinking about you and your beautiful Ava as I was editing her pictures tonight. She is such a sweetheart inside and out and that is a true testament to the wonderful mother you are. I know it probably feels discouraging some days, but know that you are doing an amazing job. I have so much respect for you and all that you guys have been through and how you keep a positive attitude through it all. Your deep love for your kids is so evident--keep your head held high, Mommy!